Spelling Mistakes?

Grammer Mistakes?

You thought this was just stupid?

Email me at:

ohmygodthatsalotofbacon@yahoo.com

Greetings Friends Today is the day I leave the unemployed and enter the world. As of 1:25 this afternoon I have become a minister. I am now a legal minister according to www.universalministers.net.

 

I can perform acts such as weddings and funerals. I am starting my own church, The Church of Rob. I urge you to join. It's your choice but eternal damanation sucks. I am dead serious when I say if anyone is thinking about getting married I'll do it! You can send all Donations Confession- especially dirty ones And Baked Goods to The Church of Rob

 

Church Doctrine

 

Love everyone unless they don’t like you, then you can hate the shit out of them.

 

Church is being replaced by spending ½ hour a week at a fast food establishment.

 

Recommended Establishments

 

Burger King- Get the number 1 with cheese and a coke

 

Wendy’s – 2 Cheeseburgers and a Coke

 

Taco Bell – 1 Cheesy Gordita Crunch, 1 Grilled Stuffed Burrito, And A Mountain Dew

 

Billy Squire’s “Lonely is Night” is the holiest song ever. It sounds like a Led Zepplin song except it’s so much sweeter.

 

A 1993 Turquoise Caviler is now the Best car ever.

 

Masturbation is no longer a sin but a valid form of prayer. Making Christopher Leverence the holiest person we all know.

 

The Church is Adamantly Against the following.

 

1. Toothbrush Technology.

 

If I see another goddamn commercial that tells me there has been such a break through in bristle and a stick technology that they just had to spend thousands of dollars on a commercial, I am going to go crazy. SOLUTION: a universal toothbrush that gives only two choices, soft bristles(for all you Nancy’s out there who cry about their gums bleeding) and regular bristles. There will be no extra strength bristles because I don’t need someone to tell me they are tuff because they use extra hard bristles.

 

2. Diner Menu’s

 

Look closely, they say picture is just a suggestion. If it’s not exactly what the diner serves then don’t put the picture on the menu. Also if you need a picture to show you what eggs, pancakes, and bacon look like you got bigger problems in life than what you’re going to order.

 

3. Benefit songs

 

I try to give money when I can but I would give so much more to causes if they promised never again to play Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA” or especially Paul McCartney’s “Freedom”. Good artist should not let their art suffer like that. We need art in times of trouble. PLEASE DON’T THINK THAT I BELIEVE LEE GREENWOOD IS A TRUE ARTIST. He looks like he doesn’t know Miami vice is off the air.

 

4. Having to pay or sweet and sour sauce at MacDonald’s.

 

Condiments should always be free. Just because I don’t get Nuggets doesn’t mean I should be denied sweet and sour sauce. Where do they get the right to tell me how to eat my meal.

 

5. Dog Nipples ( especially in third world countries).

I have no idea how to stop that doesn’t involve genetic engineering. It just bothers me. My dog freaks me out all the time.

 

6. Morons who have babies.

 

We all know someone. I’m not saying everyone who screws up and gets pregnant is a moron but come on some of these people aren’t playing with a full deck. Solution: Birth control in the water supply. They put fluorine in why not birth control. If you want to have a baby you can apply for a license and get the antiserum. The committee who would grant these licenses would have to be voted by the people. If you think this is unnatural, I would agree with you but who cares so is spading and neutering dogs. Yes I just compared people to dogs.

 

7. Super Hot anything. Wings, Chili, etc….

 

If you need to prove to the world you’re tuff by eating something ridiculously hot that will without a shadow of a doubt give you diarrhea then the people on the committee from #6 should deny you.

 

8. 2 Door Cars (you’re expected to sit in)

 

If you want me to sit in that small backseat then get four doors. Let’s get some sense.

 

9. Daylight Savings.

 

I am not a farmer because I do not choose to be. If you want to be a farmer and you want to get a jump on the day then set your alarm earlier and don’t make the rest of the country suffer. Why should we kiss some guy’s ass because he grows corn.

 

10. College Acappella Groups( That do renditions of popular songs)

 

My friend made me listen to some Assholes do a version of Radiohead’s “Creep”. I wanted to turn the wheel into oncoming traffic so that the cd would be destroyed and I would never remember the ugliness coming out of the speakers.